O-Edu

 Latest Adult, dirty, sex, sexy, Non Veg SMS messages & Jokes - 9
How to irritate an archeologist? Show him a used whisper and ask him which period it belongs to.

What's similarity between garden and breast? Both are made for kids but mostly used by adults.

In a lift, man elbow accidently touched lady's breast.
Man: if your heart is soft as your breast you will forgive me.
Lady: if you sex organ is hard as your elbow I am in room 207.

Angry husband sent sms to father-in-law. Your product not matching my requirements.
smart father-in-law: warranty expired manufactured not response.

T-shirt quotes: now more tastier and healthier, handle with care, tasted by experts, shake well before use, can make boneless thing hard, no one can use just once.


Man looked his naked body in the mirror says to wife-look 75 kg of pure dynamite. Wife says: but shame on the 5 cm fuse.

A nigro man attended a night party without dress. The man thought he was in black suit and told your suit is nice, but tie is in the wrong place.

A girl saw a man full of tattoo. Nike on his arms, Reebok on his legs, she was shocked when saw aids in his sex organ. He said: relax when it enlarges, it becomes Adidas.

T-shirt quotes: in front-I am virgin. At back: this is my old t-shirt.

Girl told to tire mechanize have sex with me. Mechanic told, ok. Come to swimming pool. She asked why? He replied because I can identify the hole only in water.

A British man sees front side of girl t-shirt that reads: handle with care. Next day the British man wears jeans pant and writes candle with hair.

Why girls are called babes?
Answer: because they wear nappy pads even when they are grownups.

The doctor told a patient that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. After 300 days, the patient called the doctor to report he had lost weight, but he had a problem.
Doctor : 'What is the problem?'
Patient : 'I am 2400 kms. from home.'
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Doctor to Patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A Good Doctor.
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PATIENT: Na khaau, to bhook lagti hai. Na souu, to Neend aati hai. Zyada kaam karu, to thakawat hoti hai.
DOCTOR: Saari Raat Dhoop mein baitho, Theek ho jaoge.
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HUSBAND OF THE PATIENT: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
DOCTOR: When the kids are in college. . .
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Patient: Doctor, aapko yakeen hai ki mujhe Nimonia (pneumonia) hai, kyunki picchle dino ek doctor mere friend ka Namoonia ka ilaaj karta raha aur woh Typhoid se mar gaya...
Doctor: Haan! Mujhe pura yaqeen hai ki tu nimonia se hi marega...
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Patient: Doctor Sahab, main jab baat karta hu toh mujhe sirf awaaz sunaai deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Doctor: Aisa kab hota hai?
Patient: Phone karte waqt...
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Patient : I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor : Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient : Yes, they do. Now I see the spots much clearer!!!
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Doctor to Patient : The cheque which u gave me has returned back....
Patient to Doctor: The head-ache for which you gave me medicine has also returned back....
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A Cute Nurse came 4 the interview.
Doctor: What salary do U expect?
Nurse: Rs.10,000.
Doctor was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.
Nurse: With Pleasure its 25,000.
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Sharabi to Doctor: Kya aap meri sharab chhudva sakte ho?
Doctor: Haan, kyun nahi.
Sharabi: To police headquaters me meri 4 bottle padi hai. Please chhudwa do.
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Doctor interviewing a Nurse: What would U do in the case of a person who has eaten poisonous roots?
Nurse: Recommend a change of diet.....
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Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.

The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"

The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.

This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."

His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."

The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."

Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.

His father says, "Go on Johnny."

So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."

With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.

He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"

The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

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Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

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The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

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Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

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A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.

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A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

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Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

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Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

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A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

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Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

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Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

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On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

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If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
Submitted by lisbeth

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A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

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A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)

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I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

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"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"

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There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"

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In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

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One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.

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Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

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This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand. REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

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(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"

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Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

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1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?

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You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment. Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

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My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

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"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

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Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?

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If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

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A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.

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A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)

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The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

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Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?" (Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

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The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...' I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

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Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve

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A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

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Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

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Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

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Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

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A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

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A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

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PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

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A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

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When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer: Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.

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Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China

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Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

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Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

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Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

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Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

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Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

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The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

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Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

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"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

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Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?

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"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

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"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

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"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

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Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

NEWTON’S LAWs:
A Cow Was Walking, Newton Stopped It..He Stopped,,
He Found His 1st Law..
“An Object Continues To Move Unless It Stops”
.
.
He Gave A Force By Kicking The Cow
It Gave A Sound
He Formulated The 2nd Law..
“Force,F=MA”
.
.
After Sometimes Cow Gave A Kick To Newton,,
Then He Formulated 3rd Law..
“Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction”

"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"

"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"

"That's really awful!"

"And what about your daughter?"

"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."

A man walks into a bar on the 51st story of the hotel he is staying at. He sits down next to a drunk guy who says; "you know that window over there?" (points to a window across the room) "if you jump out you fly back in.
"Prove it" the guy says. so the drunk guy dives out the window and flies back in.
the guy is amazed and immediately jumps out of the window.
he falls to the ground and dies.
the barman comes out of the kitchen and says
"Superman, your a real f*ck-up when your drunk"